What's Love Got to Do With It? Everything!

Aromatic candles.  Roaring fire.  Bottle of wine.  Dozens of roses.  Who wouldn't fall in love with a guy who holds your hand and pays attention to such detail.  He opens the car door.  He makes you feel like you're the most special woman in the world.  He is attentive.  He is caring.  He's your soul mate, your best friend, until....

Until your first argument.  Until he loses his job.  Until she opens the door with her hair wrapped, her scruffy slippers and flannel pajama bottoms.  Until she makes more money.  Until you don't talk for hours on end as you did in the beginning and he seems more interested in sports events on television than how your day was. 

What's love got to do with it?  Everything.  True love isn't merely falling in love with what a person does to you or for you.  Certainly, it's part of the initial attraction.  It's important that you enjoy the company of a man or a woman.  He is attentive.  She is supportive.  How you both feel is very important.  The stars in the eyes, the heart skipping a beat, the long talks are all a vital part of attraction.  It's a heart to selflessness however that builds a marriage.  When you stop thinking only of yourself and your needs and put the other person's well-being in the forefront, you are ready to experience true love. 

This isn't just on the part of the man.  Maybe you know that and if so I am so happy that you do.  But on a heart level, I didn't know that.  I felt like everything had to cater to me, had to be about me and if it wasn't...deuces!  His value of me was always the question.  You see, my triggers are if I feel neglected, feel minimized or feel condescended.  In my heart and in my conversations with my girlfriends, I was conflicted.  Despite his efforts to assure me, I still questioned his intentions.  I felt intimidated by anything that I felt got more of his attention or his loyalty than me.  I know I am not the only woman who is afraid to trust.  Marriage however requires it.

If you cannot trust that the man you are about to marry isn't only enamored with your lips or your thighs, marriage will be difficult.  It requires more.  Today was a day that I realized something that I had not before.  If I haven't mentioned it before, I am deathly afraid of his dog.  We tried earlier in our relationship to resolve the situation and even brought in a trainer to help.  His bark, his growl, my not being able to figure out what set him off time and time again just drained the energy out of me.  I think I imploded so much that my insides got raw. 

Up until today, my feelings were all I would consider.  I told my sister, "That dog ain't coming here!  I won't be afraid in my own house.  I don't care what he does or how he has to resolve this, but my foot is down."  My sister listened intently and said simply, "He loves you.  You'll work it out."  In my fear space, I made his love for me contingent on how he handled this.  This morning brought a change.  I looked into my fiancé's eyes and looked into his soul.  There is something that his dog brings to his life that he needs.  I don't know why.  I don't have to know why.  Marriage to me shouldn't rob him of happiness.  Yes, he loves me.  But I cannot be everything in his life.  I want to share his life not rob him of it. 

There are couples facing tragedy.  Life can be difficult sometimes.  A scary doctor's report, financial challenges, an infidelity and other storms can drive a wedge between lovers.  One person can be fighting for the marriage while the other backs up.  Marriage ain't no joke.  Folks stay committed to the wrong thing and leave the right thing.  I don't want to be one of those people. 

I don't want to see my future husband as an opportunity to get my needs met without any consideration for what he needs.  Life is teaching me that a foundation of friendship is critical.  Friends have regard for one another.  Friends want the best for one another.  I don't know what the resolution is about my fiancé's dog.  I do know that I choose to be his friend.  I choose to be his supporter.  I choose to stop trying to protect myself and trust in the integrity of his heart.  He's my husband-to-be and I trust that he will keep me safe.  I choose Love.