One of my favorite pass times is watching television. Not just anything and everything, but I do find certain talk shows intriguing. Today, it was The View. What caught my eye immediately was that Fantasia Barrino was cohosting. That did it. I was so tuned in. You know how it goes. You watch for a minute, run downstairs to get a drink, watch some more, run downstairs and get some food. It was that kind of watching. Then Jenny McCarthy introduced Sara Bareilles, who is nominated for two Grammy awards. She sang her song that has become the anthem for so many. I had to hunt for the words. It wasn't hard. As soon as I typed in the words brave and lyrics, her song was the first to come up.
The song makes a case for all those who for whatever reason or another have not stood in their truth. Those who have been intimidated and have shirked back from their moment.
When I first heard the words "I want to see you be brave," I thought of somebody else. I thought about areas in my fiancé that I wanted to see bravery in. I chuckle when I think of that. It's funny how we think we can see what somebody else needs to do so clearly from our own cowered position. God knows, Life will check you if you let it! And I had been checked. The Wise Voice inside of me tapped me on the shoulder and said, "I want to see you be brave."
To anyone out there who unplugs and runs at the first sign of trouble, Life is speaking to all of us. What made my fiancé different from me is he felt the fear but wasn't paralyzed by it. Here's something I've been taught about men by men. A man does not make a decision based on emotion. He thinks it through and if it makes sense to him, he does it. Me? I feel first and then resort to reasoning to calm myself down so I can make a conscious decision. There comes a time when you can no longer let the ghosts of your past stare you up and down, rattle in front of you and then shout, "Boo!" Yes, I have been married twice. Yes, I was gullible, ignorant and the Queen of magical thinking--both times. When you've been wrong before, your memory that is often unforgiving will throw it up in your face. Nobody else has to. You do a number on your own self.
This blog is not about giving myself a pass because of what I have experienced. It is not to justify intimidation. It's about being honest about the things that keep us up at night. It's about not hiding the fact that many of us struggle with one question: Am I enough? The way you answer is not by trying to prove your worthiness. It is by standing up for yourself. Let me clarify. It's not that the bullied becomes the bully. Rather, the bullied decides that whether he gets beat up or not, he's not going to run this time. The worthiness is in being brave. The worthiness is standing for you as you.
Had I just balled up in a corner in the days, months and years since April 4, 2003--the day my divorce was final--I would only have my history of shame, blame and defeat. We have to create a new history.
Using a baseball game to demonstrate, it's when you don't ignore that you've struck out. More times than not, you've swung hard but missed the ball. Rather than damning yourself for it, you get somebody to teach you how to swing. Imagine the look on the face of the opposing team when they see you, the Strike Out King, come up to bat. They laugh. They jeer. They mock. Just the same, you listen to your coach. You hold that bat steady, keep your eye on the ball, and when your coach yells, "Swing!," you swing. You might miss the first one, but you stand your ground. You might miss the second one, but your coach's voice fades and your inner voice talks to you. "You can do this," it says. "Focus. Steady your feet. Hold that bat up." The pitcher tosses the ball. Your eyes track that ball like a homing device. You hit the ball - whack! It goes so far out of the park that everybody's mouth drops in surprise while you run. Trust me, when that happens, it turns even the staunchest critic into a believer. In case you're wondering who that critic is? It's you.
It's not how you feel while doing it. You might be quaking so badly that you hear your own knees knocking. What matters is that you, the real you, stands up.
When I listened closer to that Wise Voice, I became aware of something. It wasn't talking to a woman shaking in her boots. Life was excited. "I want to see you be brave." Life had seen me be brave before. It wanted to marvel at me once again.
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