He put a ring on it!

On a crisp night at our favorite restaurant, Beyu Caffe in Durham, North Carolina, at my birthday celebration, my boyfriend got down on one knee and proposed.  I didn't see it coming!   Had I believed the statistics, I wouldn't have been in the right space for this to happen.  After all, what is the likelihood that two people--50 something years of age--would find true love?  Yet, I'm here to tell you that is exactly what happened. 

Makes me chuckle to myself when I think about the reporters, talk show hosts and singles of all ages that say there are 10 women to 1 man and that it is next to impossible for a woman past 40 years of age to get married--especially a Black woman.  I don't doubt that the stats exist.  What I believe however is the numbers don't dictate my destiny. 

My mantra was this. "I don't need everybody, just the right somebody."   Besides, I can say irrefutably that in the Research Triangle Park area, folks are getting married in their 40's and after years of marriage, are still just as enamored with their spouses!  A cakewalk, it's not.  My friend Natalie and I talked about what the journey has been for us at our last girlfriend coffee date.  We worked hard to get here.  We didn't just stumble blindly on our men!  We opened our hearts and our minds.  We got real with ourselves about ourselves. More than having a man for the sake of having one, something inside of us required that we become better women. 

"Integrity," Natalie would say as she refused to stuff down her pain after her heart got broken.  I had never seen anyone so intentional or courageous.  I watched her feel without apology or excuse.  I learned a lot by watching her. 

This blog is not to feed romantic fantasies about finding love.  When the love is real, there is no need for fantasies.  It is about another level of becoming.  An emergence.  Between now and December 27, 2014, I'll chronicle the high's, the low's and the in-betweens.  Gone is the belief that I have to be perfect; for marriages aren't made of perfect people.  They are made of imperfect people who choose to be perfected in loving each other.   My beloved Robert and I agreed on this the very next day after his proposal. "Baby," I said to him.  "Let's put our energies into planning the marriage.  If we do that, planning the wedding will take care of itself."

So many times, I heard Dr. Phil ask couples if they had considered parenting, finances, how to handle conflicts, and other aspects of the marital relationship.   Twice divorced, this I know.  Great marriages don't just happen.  They are intentioned from the beginning.  This blog is going to be honest.  I'm not going to sugar coat my journey to the altar.  With my history, I would be remiss to not take this seriously.   The first times around, I got married with the erroneous belief that marriage in and of itself was the cure for all my soul's ills.  I was so ignorant.  I really was.  I lived with a smoldering loneliness and longing.  Marriage was my answer.  "I know how to leave a bad relationship," I confessed to our premarital counselor.  "But don't know how to be in a good one."

So follow me as I learn how to be a healthy partner.  Feel free to comment.  Feel free to ask questions.  I don't claim to be an expert.  I don't even want to be.  I just want to be a willing participant in this rites of passage to the altar.