They're Here!

Taking some time off from introspective thinking, we received our "save the date" magnets in the mail.  Had to share!

It was Robert's idea.  Pretty cool, huh?  Even though we're still having a private ceremony, our family and close friends can keep this date in mind.  Yippee!!!!
 

His Bark Versus His Bite

I hope that my blogs aren't repetitive.  If they are, charge it to my head not my heart.

To a woman who grew up with love and acceptance, a man's bark is of no consequence.  She remembers the love that she received from her dad or significant male figure.  When his voice got that deep bass tone in it, she learned that it brought order and reminded her that she was protected.  Not in my case.  Though I am a self-proclaimed daddy's girl, I didn't grow up with that healthy distinction.  My dad was a very black and white thinker and didn't know how to be the gray that his daughters needed.  He was very critical.  He was.  He always fussed about something or another.  It's odd that a man with such a big heart could be so testy but he was.  When I was a little girl of about 3 or 4, I welcomed his big voice.  "Alice Lee!," he'd yell.  I would stop whatever I was doing, run and jump in his arms.  Sadly, something shifted.  My dad became a complainer and super critical. 

Because of that, his bark became a one size fits all.  Painful!!  I became conditioned to feel threatened whenever I heard that sound.  In normal households, a man's voice is not one size.  Though he is direct and declares the direction, he is not being hurtful.  Men don't mix words.  They don't weigh out what they are going to say most times.  It just comes up and out.  My Robert is no different.  Though he prides himself on being diplomatic - and is for the most part - when he is fixing or declaring, he is direct.

"I've got to learn what his barks mean," I said to the counselor.  Using a dog as a metaphor, I further analyzed.  Dogs bark.  Not every bark means I should jump on a table and call for help.  Though this is true to my mind, my emotions don't know the difference.  

In usual fashion, my fiancé rose to the occasion.  In our private discussion after the session, he explained how he is feeling and what he needs at the time.  He admitted that he feels anxious when he, "the fixer," is caught off guard.  If he feels pressured to do something he hasn't thought through, he reacts.  Usually, he gets up and starts pacing as he talks.  His talking has a sound of alarm.  I can't explain the actual decibel.  All I know is it feels intimidating.  What he explained was if he has time to process things, he gets back to okay.  What I learned was that it is not personal.  It is not even directed at me.

We both recognize our anxiety triggers.  Even more significant, we both recognize how we calm each other.  Though I confessed that my responses were  more about me than him, we did see the soothing quality of it.  I acknowledge his body language and talk about it in a nonthreatening way.  Emotionally, it was a learned way to calm the situation so I can run to safety.  I no longer needed to run though because his willing spirit assured me of safety.  I learned that even when he's barking, he isn't hurtful or dismissive.  He remains open to me.  That soothes me!  How cool!  We are building trust.  We are becoming each other's safe place. 

You see, for some couples, a hearty argument is healthy.  They are expressive and okay with it.  They can banter without it causing hurt feelings.  He and I don't do it that way.  It's not to say that we won't eventually, but for now, we are having to build trust.  My ear is being trained to hear things more broadly.

As our counselor encouraged, "You have the opportunity to create your own language."  It's not easy to learn a new language.  It comes with practice.  Practical to us, I'm learning to feel the discomfort while at the same time staying open to the teacher. 

Loosing Old Baggage

To me, what makes this marriage different from the first two is not just rearranging and repacking old baggage, but donating those old suitcases full of stuff to The Salvation Army.  Be it marriages or past relationships, we take old stuff into new situations.  It's not that we're conscious of it.  It's just what happens when we don't heal and create something different.  We convince ourselves that just because the hurt has subsided and we're ready to get on with our lives that we're okay.  We're not.

I'm not alone in this.  Every day or every other day, I talk to, hear about or read about yet another person checking themselves in the Relationship Insanity Hospital.  Insanity, it is.  When we have the same relationship rituals with different people or when we disregard our past relationship trajectory in hopes that someone else's exception will be our own, it is insanity to think we'll have a different result.  I should have been the first to be checked into Intensive Care, I tell you!  To think that number something-or-other unavailable man would be changed into an available one just because I wanted him to was my disorder.  As a result, I took myself into one situation after another with the hopes that this one would be different.  Insanity!!!

What makes this one different is my asking for what I want does not make him want to skedaddle. 

I realize that, in my past relationships, I had become quite a manipulator.  No, not consciously, but as part of my defense against being hurt.  I tried to act as if I didn't want or need something if I really, really liked the man.  And even if I said that I needed more, I allowed less, rationalizing that I needed to change, not him. 

At our last premarital session with our counselor, we talked about the power of focus.  She shared an example of one of her children getting sick and the aha moment of it.  "You're manifesting what you focused on," she told her.  She explained how our talking about what we don't want is productive too.  "I'm going to get sick," we tell ourselves.  And what happens?  We do!  We tell our friends, "I don't want to get hurt," when they suggest that we start dating again.  And what generally happens?  We get hurt.  "Why not focus on what you do want," she reasoned. 

This made so much sense!  Both my fiancé and I had done the work before we even met each other.  We both sought to improve ourselves as relaters.  We admitted to ourselves that we lacked the skills needed for sustainable, healthy relationships.  Instead of focusing on what was wrong with the folks we were interested in, we saw that the common denominator in all the involvements was us.  What I've learned is just because you find that special someone does not mean that you can settle back into mediocrity.  As the relationship deepens, Life will always present another opportunity to surrender an article of clothing or trinket packed securely away in that secret compartment of your baggage. 

Yes, I'm getting married but that does not end it.  What we focus on will grow. 

What we fear will overtake.  What we brood over will manifest.  There is so much power in our focus.  For example, how we view a fight or disagreement will manifest that very thing.  If our focus is he always or she always --focus on negativity--that is what we will experience in our lives together.  But if we see this next step as an opportunity to grow, then growth in our relationship is what we'll experience.  "Winter never lasts always," said our counselor.  "Winter always changes into Spring.  Poison changes into Medicine."

Poison changes into Medicine?  That one got me.  I was flowing with the Winter changing into Spring, but I never ever thought that poison could do anything except kill.  What I believe is it's another way of saying "what doesn't kill you makes you stronger."  I think I've lived long enough to know that I will be okay.  I will survive.  It's just what side of "okay" will I choose to be on.  The side of okay as a single entity or okay as a partner. 

When I first entered couples counseling, my truth was "I know how to leave a bad relationship. I just don't know how to stay in a good one."  Rather than making that the focus and regurgitating some aspect of that throughout our counseling sessions, my authenticity was provoked to consider a more powerful Truth.  A shift in focus, if you will.  "I'm in a fantastic relationship and now have the tools to manifest more of the same!"  Yes!!!!

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