I'm not alone in this. Every day or every other day, I talk to, hear about or read about yet another person checking themselves in the Relationship Insanity Hospital. Insanity, it is. When we have the same relationship rituals with different people or when we disregard our past relationship trajectory in hopes that someone else's exception will be our own, it is insanity to think we'll have a different result. I should have been the first to be checked into Intensive Care, I tell you! To think that number something-or-other unavailable man would be changed into an available one just because I wanted him to was my disorder. As a result, I took myself into one situation after another with the hopes that this one would be different. Insanity!!!
What makes this one different is my asking for what I want does not make him want to skedaddle.
I realize that, in my past relationships, I had become quite a manipulator. No, not consciously, but as part of my defense against being hurt. I tried to act as if I didn't want or need something if I really, really liked the man. And even if I said that I needed more, I allowed less, rationalizing that I needed to change, not him.
At our last premarital session with our counselor, we talked about the power of focus. She shared an example of one of her children getting sick and the aha moment of it. "You're manifesting what you focused on," she told her. She explained how our talking about what we don't want is productive too. "I'm going to get sick," we tell ourselves. And what happens? We do! We tell our friends, "I don't want to get hurt," when they suggest that we start dating again. And what generally happens? We get hurt. "Why not focus on what you do want," she reasoned.
This made so much sense! Both my fiancé and I had done the work before we even met each other. We both sought to improve ourselves as relaters. We admitted to ourselves that we lacked the skills needed for sustainable, healthy relationships. Instead of focusing on what was wrong with the folks we were interested in, we saw that the common denominator in all the involvements was us. What I've learned is just because you find that special someone does not mean that you can settle back into mediocrity. As the relationship deepens, Life will always present another opportunity to surrender an article of clothing or trinket packed securely away in that secret compartment of your baggage.
Yes, I'm getting married but that does not end it. What we focus on will grow.
What we fear will overtake. What we brood over will manifest. There is so much power in our focus. For example, how we view a fight or disagreement will manifest that very thing. If our focus is he always or she always --focus on negativity--that is what we will experience in our lives together. But if we see this next step as an opportunity to grow, then growth in our relationship is what we'll experience. "Winter never lasts always," said our counselor. "Winter always changes into Spring. Poison changes into Medicine."
Poison changes into Medicine? That one got me. I was flowing with the Winter changing into Spring, but I never ever thought that poison could do anything except kill. What I believe is it's another way of saying "what doesn't kill you makes you stronger." I think I've lived long enough to know that I will be okay. I will survive. It's just what side of "okay" will I choose to be on. The side of okay as a single entity or okay as a partner.
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