It was Robert's idea. Pretty cool, huh? Even though we're still having a private ceremony, our family and close friends can keep this date in mind. Yippee!!!!
Friday, March 28, 2014
They're Here!
Taking some time off from introspective thinking, we received our "save the date" magnets in the mail. Had to share!
It was Robert's idea. Pretty cool, huh? Even though we're still having a private ceremony, our family and close friends can keep this date in mind. Yippee!!!!
It was Robert's idea. Pretty cool, huh? Even though we're still having a private ceremony, our family and close friends can keep this date in mind. Yippee!!!!
Saturday, March 15, 2014
His Bark Versus His Bite
I hope that my blogs aren't repetitive. If they are, charge it to my head not my heart.
To a woman who grew up with love and acceptance, a man's bark is of no consequence. She remembers the love that she received from her dad or significant male figure. When his voice got that deep bass tone in it, she learned that it brought order and reminded her that she was protected. Not in my case. Though I am a self-proclaimed daddy's girl, I didn't grow up with that healthy distinction. My dad was a very black and white thinker and didn't know how to be the gray that his daughters needed. He was very critical. He was. He always fussed about something or another. It's odd that a man with such a big heart could be so testy but he was. When I was a little girl of about 3 or 4, I welcomed his big voice. "Alice Lee!," he'd yell. I would stop whatever I was doing, run and jump in his arms. Sadly, something shifted. My dad became a complainer and super critical.
Because of that, his bark became a one size fits all. Painful!! I became conditioned to feel threatened whenever I heard that sound. In normal households, a man's voice is not one size. Though he is direct and declares the direction, he is not being hurtful. Men don't mix words. They don't weigh out what they are going to say most times. It just comes up and out. My Robert is no different. Though he prides himself on being diplomatic - and is for the most part - when he is fixing or declaring, he is direct.
"I've got to learn what his barks mean," I said to the counselor. Using a dog as a metaphor, I further analyzed. Dogs bark. Not every bark means I should jump on a table and call for help. Though this is true to my mind, my emotions don't know the difference.
In usual fashion, my fiancé rose to the occasion. In our private discussion after the session, he explained how he is feeling and what he needs at the time. He admitted that he feels anxious when he, "the fixer," is caught off guard. If he feels pressured to do something he hasn't thought through, he reacts. Usually, he gets up and starts pacing as he talks. His talking has a sound of alarm. I can't explain the actual decibel. All I know is it feels intimidating. What he explained was if he has time to process things, he gets back to okay. What I learned was that it is not personal. It is not even directed at me.
We both recognize our anxiety triggers. Even more significant, we both recognize how we calm each other. Though I confessed that my responses were more about me than him, we did see the soothing quality of it. I acknowledge his body language and talk about it in a nonthreatening way. Emotionally, it was a learned way to calm the situation so I can run to safety. I no longer needed to run though because his willing spirit assured me of safety. I learned that even when he's barking, he isn't hurtful or dismissive. He remains open to me. That soothes me! How cool! We are building trust. We are becoming each other's safe place.
You see, for some couples, a hearty argument is healthy. They are expressive and okay with it. They can banter without it causing hurt feelings. He and I don't do it that way. It's not to say that we won't eventually, but for now, we are having to build trust. My ear is being trained to hear things more broadly.
As our counselor encouraged, "You have the opportunity to create your own language." It's not easy to learn a new language. It comes with practice. Practical to us, I'm learning to feel the discomfort while at the same time staying open to the teacher.
To a woman who grew up with love and acceptance, a man's bark is of no consequence. She remembers the love that she received from her dad or significant male figure. When his voice got that deep bass tone in it, she learned that it brought order and reminded her that she was protected. Not in my case. Though I am a self-proclaimed daddy's girl, I didn't grow up with that healthy distinction. My dad was a very black and white thinker and didn't know how to be the gray that his daughters needed. He was very critical. He was. He always fussed about something or another. It's odd that a man with such a big heart could be so testy but he was. When I was a little girl of about 3 or 4, I welcomed his big voice. "Alice Lee!," he'd yell. I would stop whatever I was doing, run and jump in his arms. Sadly, something shifted. My dad became a complainer and super critical.
Because of that, his bark became a one size fits all. Painful!! I became conditioned to feel threatened whenever I heard that sound. In normal households, a man's voice is not one size. Though he is direct and declares the direction, he is not being hurtful. Men don't mix words. They don't weigh out what they are going to say most times. It just comes up and out. My Robert is no different. Though he prides himself on being diplomatic - and is for the most part - when he is fixing or declaring, he is direct.
"I've got to learn what his barks mean," I said to the counselor. Using a dog as a metaphor, I further analyzed. Dogs bark. Not every bark means I should jump on a table and call for help. Though this is true to my mind, my emotions don't know the difference.
In usual fashion, my fiancé rose to the occasion. In our private discussion after the session, he explained how he is feeling and what he needs at the time. He admitted that he feels anxious when he, "the fixer," is caught off guard. If he feels pressured to do something he hasn't thought through, he reacts. Usually, he gets up and starts pacing as he talks. His talking has a sound of alarm. I can't explain the actual decibel. All I know is it feels intimidating. What he explained was if he has time to process things, he gets back to okay. What I learned was that it is not personal. It is not even directed at me.
We both recognize our anxiety triggers. Even more significant, we both recognize how we calm each other. Though I confessed that my responses were more about me than him, we did see the soothing quality of it. I acknowledge his body language and talk about it in a nonthreatening way. Emotionally, it was a learned way to calm the situation so I can run to safety. I no longer needed to run though because his willing spirit assured me of safety. I learned that even when he's barking, he isn't hurtful or dismissive. He remains open to me. That soothes me! How cool! We are building trust. We are becoming each other's safe place.
You see, for some couples, a hearty argument is healthy. They are expressive and okay with it. They can banter without it causing hurt feelings. He and I don't do it that way. It's not to say that we won't eventually, but for now, we are having to build trust. My ear is being trained to hear things more broadly.
As our counselor encouraged, "You have the opportunity to create your own language." It's not easy to learn a new language. It comes with practice. Practical to us, I'm learning to feel the discomfort while at the same time staying open to the teacher.
Thursday, March 6, 2014
Loosing Old Baggage
I'm not alone in this. Every day or every other day, I talk to, hear about or read about yet another person checking themselves in the Relationship Insanity Hospital. Insanity, it is. When we have the same relationship rituals with different people or when we disregard our past relationship trajectory in hopes that someone else's exception will be our own, it is insanity to think we'll have a different result. I should have been the first to be checked into Intensive Care, I tell you! To think that number something-or-other unavailable man would be changed into an available one just because I wanted him to was my disorder. As a result, I took myself into one situation after another with the hopes that this one would be different. Insanity!!!
What makes this one different is my asking for what I want does not make him want to skedaddle.
I realize that, in my past relationships, I had become quite a manipulator. No, not consciously, but as part of my defense against being hurt. I tried to act as if I didn't want or need something if I really, really liked the man. And even if I said that I needed more, I allowed less, rationalizing that I needed to change, not him.
At our last premarital session with our counselor, we talked about the power of focus. She shared an example of one of her children getting sick and the aha moment of it. "You're manifesting what you focused on," she told her. She explained how our talking about what we don't want is productive too. "I'm going to get sick," we tell ourselves. And what happens? We do! We tell our friends, "I don't want to get hurt," when they suggest that we start dating again. And what generally happens? We get hurt. "Why not focus on what you do want," she reasoned.
This made so much sense! Both my fiancé and I had done the work before we even met each other. We both sought to improve ourselves as relaters. We admitted to ourselves that we lacked the skills needed for sustainable, healthy relationships. Instead of focusing on what was wrong with the folks we were interested in, we saw that the common denominator in all the involvements was us. What I've learned is just because you find that special someone does not mean that you can settle back into mediocrity. As the relationship deepens, Life will always present another opportunity to surrender an article of clothing or trinket packed securely away in that secret compartment of your baggage.
Yes, I'm getting married but that does not end it. What we focus on will grow.
What we fear will overtake. What we brood over will manifest. There is so much power in our focus. For example, how we view a fight or disagreement will manifest that very thing. If our focus is he always or she always --focus on negativity--that is what we will experience in our lives together. But if we see this next step as an opportunity to grow, then growth in our relationship is what we'll experience. "Winter never lasts always," said our counselor. "Winter always changes into Spring. Poison changes into Medicine."
Poison changes into Medicine? That one got me. I was flowing with the Winter changing into Spring, but I never ever thought that poison could do anything except kill. What I believe is it's another way of saying "what doesn't kill you makes you stronger." I think I've lived long enough to know that I will be okay. I will survive. It's just what side of "okay" will I choose to be on. The side of okay as a single entity or okay as a partner.
.
Sunday, February 9, 2014
Snuggly Folks
I had a lightbulb idea as I considered that our counselor was getting ready to move out of the country. Though there is Skype and all, it won't be the same. There is something in the energy that is created when we're all together. Maybe that's why I had the idea of identifying couples we can be accountable to. Hey, if King Arthur can have his Knights of the Roundtable, why can't Suzette and Robert have couples that comprise theirs. In wise counsel there is safety.
We want to be around married couples who actually enjoy being married and go through difficulties with grace. One of the most painful things is being around couples who complain about each other the whole time. The constant drip of competitiveness for who's right makes me want to gnaw off my arm!!!
We have identified four couples who we will be inviting to a dinner in the Spring. It's not that there aren't more whom we admire, it's the fact that we aren't around them that much. They have lives and connections with other people. Nothing wrong with it. I've learned to see those who not only respond when I reach out to them, but who initiate. Those are the ones we'll be around more regularly. Those are the folks who'll know us! Besides, every couple isn't a good fit for every need. Just as there are different friends who bring something unique to my life, there are married couples who might be great to go out with but who might not be available during difficult times in my marriage.
I love warm, snuggly folks and this group is the snuggliest!!!!
We want to be around married couples who actually enjoy being married and go through difficulties with grace. One of the most painful things is being around couples who complain about each other the whole time. The constant drip of competitiveness for who's right makes me want to gnaw off my arm!!!
We have identified four couples who we will be inviting to a dinner in the Spring. It's not that there aren't more whom we admire, it's the fact that we aren't around them that much. They have lives and connections with other people. Nothing wrong with it. I've learned to see those who not only respond when I reach out to them, but who initiate. Those are the ones we'll be around more regularly. Those are the folks who'll know us! Besides, every couple isn't a good fit for every need. Just as there are different friends who bring something unique to my life, there are married couples who might be great to go out with but who might not be available during difficult times in my marriage.
I love warm, snuggly folks and this group is the snuggliest!!!!
Saturday, February 8, 2014
A New Kind of Submission
Nevertheless, the term submission always seems to be one sided. Very few mention that a verse or two before it says "submit one to another." Okay, okay, I'll come off my soap box. I think you get my point. Premarital counseling has surprisingly brought me to a higher understanding of what submission is. As a result, I've come to attach a new meaning to it. This kind of submission comes from an open heart and a willing spirit.
My foot was down. Down really hard when it came to my fiancé's dog. I had my reasons for not wanting him to set foot near my house. Ours had been a contentious relationship. As soon as I'd get comfortable around him, something will set him off and before I knew it he was barking and snarling at me. Completely baffled and intimidated, I lost my nerve. To me, I'd subjected myself to threat time and time again and was being asked to do it one more time. Not gonna happen! Truth be told, I resented the fact that I was the one being asked to make the sacrifices while everyone else continued to live their lives the very same. Don't all you dog lovers out there clobber me. I'm just telling you my experience of it.
Though I grew up with as many dogs as my dad had cars in the yard, I have no experience with any of our dogs behaving this way. While hanging clothes on the clothesline, I hated being knocked down by our muscular police dog who was happy to see me. I hated being scratched when our dogs wanted to play. But I never felt threatened by any of our dogs. We had all kinds too. German police dog, cocker spaniel, just to name a couple. If they growled, I never feared it was at me. This is my first experience with a dog who licked my toes one minute and barked like I stole something the very next.
But like the Grinch, something happened to make my heart grow. I stopped looking at me and took a deep look into my fiancé's soul. Our counselor called it heart versus habit. Heart is when something is tied to who you are and if you can't do it or have it, it is wounding. Habit is something that you've become accustomed to but can be changed. When I truly looked at my fiancé, I saw that this attachment to his dog was a heart thing. I don't understand it. I probably never will. I don't share it. I probably never will. Still, just as sure as breathing, this awareness came. "You wanted someone who respects your heart. If you love him, you'll respect his heart,"it said. Lightbulb: my fiancé's heart mattered too.
Those who are in happy relationships understand this. Those of us who have yearned for happy relationships, however, don't. Many times, in our misguided attempts to be a good woman or showing our love, we've concessions for men who have not done the same. We've felt taken for granted and like our needs don't matter. This makes us have a wall up though we so deeply want to experience true love. When you've been hurt, you make everything about you. When you have insecurities, you make everything about you. We say we don't but we do. "I gave him my phone number. He didn't call. Inconsiderate Jerk!" "He didn't open the car door for me. Off with his head!" "How dare he not do what I want. I'm the prize!" We sometimes forget that it takes a prize to recognize a prize. Hence, I had to change this "habit." of making everything about me. It wasn't all about him proving his love. He already had. It wasn't about me having my way. Why should marrying me mean he's got to give up everything attached to his heart? That's when my heart opened.
I then became willing to look at ways to make room. I asked if he would have a problem with the dog being outside. He said, "No." This opened up discussion about fencing the yard so the dog could have space to run and play. We talked about how a sunroom off the dining room (that could also serve as his man cave..lol) could be a place for the dog when the weather is inclement. This way, everybody would get something from this that we could all get excited about. Maybe I could feed him (from behind the fence at first). That way, he could associate me with something tied to his survival. I am willing to try.
We talked about boundaries that are necessary for my heart to be respected as well. You see, I'm a free spirit. Restraints and constructs kill my creativity and vitality. My intimate connections are with family and friends and involvements flow out of that. How can we protect that? Also, there is the fact that I raised a son and he's left home. I like the freedom of my empty nest. I've grown into that freedom and found my purpose. I don't want to feel unsafe in my home. I don't want people to feel unsafe in my home. I don't want folks to have to call first and say, "Suzette, I want to come over, but I'm afraid of your dog." That would block me from what nurtures me.
Hence, the new kind of submission. My definition. Submission is making room for and protecting the heart of another. It's respecting the way another is wired. You don't have to feel the same way about it. You don't have to understand why. You just have to see deeply into what matters to the wholeness of the other person.
My fiancé is a nurturer. He is. He is a tinkerer. He takes care of. This is who he is. He's happiest when everyone important to him is okay. He is a protector. He is a place of warmth and love. He needs all of us. He needs his mom, his family, his dog and me. He is autonomous in an introverted kind of way. . We are both the go-to for our family. We both hate feeling boxed in or coerced. We both know how to be okay with only ourselves to play with. Me, with writing. Him, with tinkering. In many ways, we are the same, we just go about it differently. He's quiet and methodical. I'm animated and inspired. To ask either of us to part with what brings us joy would be devastating. It's what I love about him. It's what he loves about me. Neither of us can legislate it. We can't control it. This is what we can do though. We can protect it. We can make room for it.
To me, that is what submission truly means.
Sunday, January 26, 2014
What's Love Got to Do With It? Everything!
Aromatic candles. Roaring fire. Bottle of wine. Dozens of roses. Who wouldn't fall in love with a guy who holds your hand and pays attention to such detail. He opens the car door. He makes you feel like you're the most special woman in the world. He is attentive. He is caring. He's your soul mate, your best friend, until....
Until your first argument. Until he loses his job. Until she opens the door with her hair wrapped, her scruffy slippers and flannel pajama bottoms. Until she makes more money. Until you don't talk for hours on end as you did in the beginning and he seems more interested in sports events on television than how your day was.
What's love got to do with it? Everything. True love isn't merely falling in love with what a person does to you or for you. Certainly, it's part of the initial attraction. It's important that you enjoy the company of a man or a woman. He is attentive. She is supportive. How you both feel is very important. The stars in the eyes, the heart skipping a beat, the long talks are all a vital part of attraction. It's a heart to selflessness however that builds a marriage. When you stop thinking only of yourself and your needs and put the other person's well-being in the forefront, you are ready to experience true love.
This isn't just on the part of the man. Maybe you know that and if so I am so happy that you do. But on a heart level, I didn't know that. I felt like everything had to cater to me, had to be about me and if it wasn't...deuces! His value of me was always the question. You see, my triggers are if I feel neglected, feel minimized or feel condescended. In my heart and in my conversations with my girlfriends, I was conflicted. Despite his efforts to assure me, I still questioned his intentions. I felt intimidated by anything that I felt got more of his attention or his loyalty than me. I know I am not the only woman who is afraid to trust. Marriage however requires it.
If you cannot trust that the man you are about to marry isn't only enamored with your lips or your thighs, marriage will be difficult. It requires more. Today was a day that I realized something that I had not before. If I haven't mentioned it before, I am deathly afraid of his dog. We tried earlier in our relationship to resolve the situation and even brought in a trainer to help. His bark, his growl, my not being able to figure out what set him off time and time again just drained the energy out of me. I think I imploded so much that my insides got raw.
Up until today, my feelings were all I would consider. I told my sister, "That dog ain't coming here! I won't be afraid in my own house. I don't care what he does or how he has to resolve this, but my foot is down." My sister listened intently and said simply, "He loves you. You'll work it out." In my fear space, I made his love for me contingent on how he handled this. This morning brought a change. I looked into my fiancé's eyes and looked into his soul. There is something that his dog brings to his life that he needs. I don't know why. I don't have to know why. Marriage to me shouldn't rob him of happiness. Yes, he loves me. But I cannot be everything in his life. I want to share his life not rob him of it.
There are couples facing tragedy. Life can be difficult sometimes. A scary doctor's report, financial challenges, an infidelity and other storms can drive a wedge between lovers. One person can be fighting for the marriage while the other backs up. Marriage ain't no joke. Folks stay committed to the wrong thing and leave the right thing. I don't want to be one of those people.
I don't want to see my future husband as an opportunity to get my needs met without any consideration for what he needs. Life is teaching me that a foundation of friendship is critical. Friends have regard for one another. Friends want the best for one another. I don't know what the resolution is about my fiancé's dog. I do know that I choose to be his friend. I choose to be his supporter. I choose to stop trying to protect myself and trust in the integrity of his heart. He's my husband-to-be and I trust that he will keep me safe. I choose Love.
Until your first argument. Until he loses his job. Until she opens the door with her hair wrapped, her scruffy slippers and flannel pajama bottoms. Until she makes more money. Until you don't talk for hours on end as you did in the beginning and he seems more interested in sports events on television than how your day was.
What's love got to do with it? Everything. True love isn't merely falling in love with what a person does to you or for you. Certainly, it's part of the initial attraction. It's important that you enjoy the company of a man or a woman. He is attentive. She is supportive. How you both feel is very important. The stars in the eyes, the heart skipping a beat, the long talks are all a vital part of attraction. It's a heart to selflessness however that builds a marriage. When you stop thinking only of yourself and your needs and put the other person's well-being in the forefront, you are ready to experience true love.
This isn't just on the part of the man. Maybe you know that and if so I am so happy that you do. But on a heart level, I didn't know that. I felt like everything had to cater to me, had to be about me and if it wasn't...deuces! His value of me was always the question. You see, my triggers are if I feel neglected, feel minimized or feel condescended. In my heart and in my conversations with my girlfriends, I was conflicted. Despite his efforts to assure me, I still questioned his intentions. I felt intimidated by anything that I felt got more of his attention or his loyalty than me. I know I am not the only woman who is afraid to trust. Marriage however requires it.
If you cannot trust that the man you are about to marry isn't only enamored with your lips or your thighs, marriage will be difficult. It requires more. Today was a day that I realized something that I had not before. If I haven't mentioned it before, I am deathly afraid of his dog. We tried earlier in our relationship to resolve the situation and even brought in a trainer to help. His bark, his growl, my not being able to figure out what set him off time and time again just drained the energy out of me. I think I imploded so much that my insides got raw.
Up until today, my feelings were all I would consider. I told my sister, "That dog ain't coming here! I won't be afraid in my own house. I don't care what he does or how he has to resolve this, but my foot is down." My sister listened intently and said simply, "He loves you. You'll work it out." In my fear space, I made his love for me contingent on how he handled this. This morning brought a change. I looked into my fiancé's eyes and looked into his soul. There is something that his dog brings to his life that he needs. I don't know why. I don't have to know why. Marriage to me shouldn't rob him of happiness. Yes, he loves me. But I cannot be everything in his life. I want to share his life not rob him of it.
There are couples facing tragedy. Life can be difficult sometimes. A scary doctor's report, financial challenges, an infidelity and other storms can drive a wedge between lovers. One person can be fighting for the marriage while the other backs up. Marriage ain't no joke. Folks stay committed to the wrong thing and leave the right thing. I don't want to be one of those people.
I don't want to see my future husband as an opportunity to get my needs met without any consideration for what he needs. Life is teaching me that a foundation of friendship is critical. Friends have regard for one another. Friends want the best for one another. I don't know what the resolution is about my fiancé's dog. I do know that I choose to be his friend. I choose to be his supporter. I choose to stop trying to protect myself and trust in the integrity of his heart. He's my husband-to-be and I trust that he will keep me safe. I choose Love.
Friday, January 24, 2014
A Lesson in Strength Training
Our second session was GREAT! With laptop in hand, we were ready to discuss the things we had listed as opportunities to build a great marriage. Funny, we didn't even think about sex! Maybe there's some truth to what Dr. Phil says. "If you have a good sex life, sex counts about 5%. But if you don't have a good sex life, it's 95% in importance." Now, he didn't say it exactly like that, but that's the gist of it.
I gotta tell you. Our counselor is da bomb dot com!!!! Her wisdom just confounds me. It's not just the stuff that makes you get excited. It's that kind of wisdom that soaks through your clothes and washes your spirit. I swear I want to take notes. This time was no different. She takes what we bring her - no matter how unflattering - and gives it back to us full of hope and promise. So different. Many times counselors speak to you as if you don't know anything and they have to make sure they point it out to you. She doesn't. She reveals the gold in our struggle and presents it to us, much to our amazement and joy.
One such piece of wisdom was we aren't suppose to become one. I can see your mouth dropping in surprise. Mine did too. That's the utopia of a good marriage, right? She clarified. "You will become of one mind or move towards one goal but you are still two different people." It is what is uniquely different that evokes the best self out of the other. She pointed to Rob getting down on one knee in a crowded restaurant and proposing. "You know where that came from, don't you?," she asked. "Suzette! Her confidence is rubbing off on you." We laughed but there was some truth to it.
The more we challenge the other to move beyond limiting beliefs and behaviors, the more liberated we become. It's like training for a marathon. It hurts to get in shape. Changing your diet, working out, and increasing the miles you run is grueling. Still, you get up early and do whatever you have to do to get in marathon-running shape. The big day comes. Like others, you stand in starting position waiting for the signal to start. As you run, you remember what you've learned. You hydrate. You pace yourself. You breathe as you have been conditioned to. When you feel like you can't go on, you remember what your trainer told you. Others pass by you, but you don't get alarmed. You remind yourself that it's a marathon and the goal is to finish the race. You see the finish line up ahead. You heart is about beat out of your chest. Your head is pounding. Perspiration is running down your face. Your legs feel like rubber yet you keep going. Once you cross that finish line, it's all worth it. So it is with marriage.
A great marriage is the goal of all that we are doing. Some areas are quite a strain and don't feel good to explore, but we strengthen our core through resistance. "Strength training tears your muscles down to rebuild them much stronger than before." She suggested that if we see challenges as growth, then our life together will be growth and celebration. Even the most difficult of circumstances is an opportunity to grow. To grow more as a person. To grow more as a couple. That's worth celebrating!
At the conclusion of the session, I asked if our counselor had gotten my email. I had asked her about officiating the wedding. To our happiness, she consented! Yay! We don't want a traditional wedding ceremony. We want something that represents us and our journey. She is the perfect person! This only reinforces what my heart knows. If you plan for the marriage, the wedding will take care of itself.
I gotta tell you. Our counselor is da bomb dot com!!!! Her wisdom just confounds me. It's not just the stuff that makes you get excited. It's that kind of wisdom that soaks through your clothes and washes your spirit. I swear I want to take notes. This time was no different. She takes what we bring her - no matter how unflattering - and gives it back to us full of hope and promise. So different. Many times counselors speak to you as if you don't know anything and they have to make sure they point it out to you. She doesn't. She reveals the gold in our struggle and presents it to us, much to our amazement and joy.
One such piece of wisdom was we aren't suppose to become one. I can see your mouth dropping in surprise. Mine did too. That's the utopia of a good marriage, right? She clarified. "You will become of one mind or move towards one goal but you are still two different people." It is what is uniquely different that evokes the best self out of the other. She pointed to Rob getting down on one knee in a crowded restaurant and proposing. "You know where that came from, don't you?," she asked. "Suzette! Her confidence is rubbing off on you." We laughed but there was some truth to it.
The more we challenge the other to move beyond limiting beliefs and behaviors, the more liberated we become. It's like training for a marathon. It hurts to get in shape. Changing your diet, working out, and increasing the miles you run is grueling. Still, you get up early and do whatever you have to do to get in marathon-running shape. The big day comes. Like others, you stand in starting position waiting for the signal to start. As you run, you remember what you've learned. You hydrate. You pace yourself. You breathe as you have been conditioned to. When you feel like you can't go on, you remember what your trainer told you. Others pass by you, but you don't get alarmed. You remind yourself that it's a marathon and the goal is to finish the race. You see the finish line up ahead. You heart is about beat out of your chest. Your head is pounding. Perspiration is running down your face. Your legs feel like rubber yet you keep going. Once you cross that finish line, it's all worth it. So it is with marriage.
A great marriage is the goal of all that we are doing. Some areas are quite a strain and don't feel good to explore, but we strengthen our core through resistance. "Strength training tears your muscles down to rebuild them much stronger than before." She suggested that if we see challenges as growth, then our life together will be growth and celebration. Even the most difficult of circumstances is an opportunity to grow. To grow more as a person. To grow more as a couple. That's worth celebrating!
At the conclusion of the session, I asked if our counselor had gotten my email. I had asked her about officiating the wedding. To our happiness, she consented! Yay! We don't want a traditional wedding ceremony. We want something that represents us and our journey. She is the perfect person! This only reinforces what my heart knows. If you plan for the marriage, the wedding will take care of itself.
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