Snuggly Folks

I had a lightbulb idea as I considered that our counselor was getting ready to move out of the country.  Though there is Skype and all, it won't be the same.  There is something in the energy that is created when we're all together.  Maybe that's why I had the idea of identifying couples we can be accountable to.  Hey, if King Arthur can have his Knights of the Roundtable, why can't Suzette and Robert have couples that comprise theirs.  In wise counsel there is safety.

We want to be around married couples who actually enjoy being married and go through difficulties with grace.  One of the most painful things is being around couples who complain about each other the whole time.  The constant drip of competitiveness for who's right makes me want to gnaw off my arm!!! 

We have identified four couples who we will be inviting to a dinner in the Spring.  It's not that there aren't more whom we admire, it's the fact that we aren't around them that much.  They have lives and connections with other people.  Nothing wrong with it.  I've learned to see those who not only respond when I reach out to them, but who initiate.   Those are the ones we'll be around more regularly.  Those are the folks who'll know us!  Besides, every couple isn't a good fit for every need.  Just as there are different friends who bring something unique to my life, there are married couples who might be great to go out with but who might not be available during difficult times in my marriage.

I love warm, snuggly folks and this group is the snuggliest!!!!

A New Kind of Submission

Submission--yuck, icky, poo--is the reaction you'll get from most of us 21st century, I-can-do-it-my-own-damn-self sisters.  I can't say why other women suck their teeth and roll their eyes even at the mention of that word, but I can tell you why I use to.  "Wives submit to your husbands," is what I heard the preachers bellow out on a Sunday morning, scouring across the congregation at the women sitting in the pews while all the men yelled a hearty, "Amen!"  Some even pointed to the scripture of Eve eating the apple and bringing a curse on herself and her husband as evidence that a man knows better.  It never set well with me.  Submission was another word for parent.  You ceased to have your own mind, your own will, your own dreams.  Everything that you worked hard for, strived for, attained had to be surrendered just because, as a woman, you were suppose to submit to your man.  That definition or belief still doesn't work for me.  (Sidebar:  And if we want to get technical, God didn't curse the man or the woman, he cursed the ground, okay?)  Even my dad said of my mom that if it weren't for her, we would not have what we have.  He retaliated at first; but over the years, he came to respect my mom's insights.  I'm sure many a family can point to the courage, strength and tenacity of Big Momma or their mother in the same way. 

Nevertheless, the term submission always seems to be one sided.  Very few mention that a verse or two before it says "submit one to another."  Okay, okay, I'll come off my soap box.  I think you get my point.  Premarital counseling has surprisingly brought me to a higher understanding of what submission is.  As a result, I've come to attach a new meaning to it.  This kind of submission comes from an open heart and a willing spirit. 

My foot was down.  Down really hard when it came to my fiancé's dog.  I had my reasons for not wanting him to set foot near my house.  Ours had been a contentious relationship.  As soon as I'd get comfortable around him, something will set him off and before I knew it he was barking and snarling at me.  Completely baffled and intimidated, I lost my nerve.  To me, I'd subjected myself to threat time and time again and was being asked to do it one more time.  Not gonna happen!  Truth be told, I resented the fact that I was the one being asked to make the sacrifices while everyone else continued to live their lives the very same.  Don't all you dog lovers out there clobber me.  I'm just telling you my experience of it. 

Though I grew up with as many dogs as my dad had cars in the yard, I have no experience with any of our dogs behaving this way.  While hanging clothes on the clothesline, I hated being knocked down by our muscular police dog who was happy to see me.  I hated being scratched when our dogs wanted to play.  But I never felt threatened by any of our dogs.  We had all kinds too.  German police dog, cocker spaniel, just to name a couple.  If they growled, I never feared it was at me.  This is my first experience with a dog who licked my toes one minute and barked like I stole something the very next.

But like the Grinch, something happened to make my heart grow.  I stopped looking at me and took a deep look into my fiancé's soul.  Our counselor called  it heart versus habit.  Heart is when something is tied to who you are and if you can't do it or have it, it is wounding.  Habit is something that you've become accustomed to but can be changed.  When I truly looked at my fiancé, I saw that this attachment to his dog was a heart thing.  I don't understand it.  I probably never will.  I don't share it.  I probably never will.  Still, just as sure as breathing, this awareness came.  "You wanted someone who respects your heart.  If you love him, you'll respect his heart,"it said.  Lightbulb:  my fiancé's heart mattered too. 

Those who are in happy relationships understand this.  Those of us who have yearned for happy relationships, however, don't.  Many times, in our misguided attempts to be a good woman or showing our love, we've concessions for men who have not done the same.  We've felt taken for granted and like our needs don't matter.  This makes us have a wall up though we so deeply want to experience true love.  When you've been hurt, you make everything about you.  When you have insecurities, you make everything about you.  We say we don't but we do.  "I gave him my phone number.  He didn't call.  Inconsiderate Jerk!"  "He didn't open the car door for me.  Off with his head!"  "How dare he not do what I want.  I'm the prize!"  We sometimes forget that it takes a prize to recognize a prize.  Hence, I had to change this "habit." of making everything about me.  It wasn't all about him proving his love.  He already had.  It wasn't about me having my way.  Why should marrying me mean he's got to give up everything attached to his heart?  That's when my heart opened.

I then became willing to look at ways to make room.  I asked if he would have a problem with the dog being outside.  He said, "No."  This opened up discussion about fencing the yard so the dog could  have space to run and play.  We talked about how a sunroom off the dining room (that could also serve as his man cave..lol) could be a place for the dog when the weather is inclement.  This way, everybody would get something from this that we could all get excited about.  Maybe I could feed him (from behind the fence at first).  That way, he could associate me with something tied to his survival.  I am willing to try.  

We talked about boundaries that are necessary for my heart to be respected as well.  You see, I'm a free spirit.  Restraints and constructs kill my creativity and vitality.  My intimate connections are with family and friends and involvements flow out of that.  How can we protect that?  Also, there is the fact that I raised a son and he's left home.  I like the freedom of my empty nest.  I've grown into that freedom and found my purpose.  I don't want to feel unsafe in my home.  I don't want people to feel unsafe in my home.  I don't want folks to have to call first and say, "Suzette, I want to come over, but I'm afraid of your dog."  That would block me from what nurtures me.   

Hence, the new kind of submission.  My definition.  Submission is making room for and protecting the heart of another.  It's respecting the way another is wired.  You don't have to feel the same way about it.  You don't have to understand why.  You just have to see deeply into what matters to the  wholeness of the other person. 

My fiancé is a nurturer.  He is.  He is a tinkerer.  He takes care of.  This is who he is.  He's happiest when everyone important to him is okay.  He is a protector.  He is a place of warmth and love.  He needs all of us.  He needs his mom, his family, his dog and me.  He is autonomous in an introverted kind of way.  .  We are both the go-to for our family.  We both hate feeling boxed in or coerced.  We both know how to be okay with only ourselves to play with.  Me, with writing.  Him, with tinkering.  In many ways, we are the same, we just go about it differently.  He's quiet and methodical.  I'm animated and inspired.  To ask either of us to part with what brings us joy would be devastating.  It's what I love about him.  It's what he loves about me.  Neither of us can legislate it.  We can't control it.  This is what we can do though.  We can protect it.  We can make room for it.

To me, that is what submission truly means. 

What's Love Got to Do With It? Everything!

Aromatic candles.  Roaring fire.  Bottle of wine.  Dozens of roses.  Who wouldn't fall in love with a guy who holds your hand and pays attention to such detail.  He opens the car door.  He makes you feel like you're the most special woman in the world.  He is attentive.  He is caring.  He's your soul mate, your best friend, until....

Until your first argument.  Until he loses his job.  Until she opens the door with her hair wrapped, her scruffy slippers and flannel pajama bottoms.  Until she makes more money.  Until you don't talk for hours on end as you did in the beginning and he seems more interested in sports events on television than how your day was. 

What's love got to do with it?  Everything.  True love isn't merely falling in love with what a person does to you or for you.  Certainly, it's part of the initial attraction.  It's important that you enjoy the company of a man or a woman.  He is attentive.  She is supportive.  How you both feel is very important.  The stars in the eyes, the heart skipping a beat, the long talks are all a vital part of attraction.  It's a heart to selflessness however that builds a marriage.  When you stop thinking only of yourself and your needs and put the other person's well-being in the forefront, you are ready to experience true love. 

This isn't just on the part of the man.  Maybe you know that and if so I am so happy that you do.  But on a heart level, I didn't know that.  I felt like everything had to cater to me, had to be about me and if it wasn't...deuces!  His value of me was always the question.  You see, my triggers are if I feel neglected, feel minimized or feel condescended.  In my heart and in my conversations with my girlfriends, I was conflicted.  Despite his efforts to assure me, I still questioned his intentions.  I felt intimidated by anything that I felt got more of his attention or his loyalty than me.  I know I am not the only woman who is afraid to trust.  Marriage however requires it.

If you cannot trust that the man you are about to marry isn't only enamored with your lips or your thighs, marriage will be difficult.  It requires more.  Today was a day that I realized something that I had not before.  If I haven't mentioned it before, I am deathly afraid of his dog.  We tried earlier in our relationship to resolve the situation and even brought in a trainer to help.  His bark, his growl, my not being able to figure out what set him off time and time again just drained the energy out of me.  I think I imploded so much that my insides got raw. 

Up until today, my feelings were all I would consider.  I told my sister, "That dog ain't coming here!  I won't be afraid in my own house.  I don't care what he does or how he has to resolve this, but my foot is down."  My sister listened intently and said simply, "He loves you.  You'll work it out."  In my fear space, I made his love for me contingent on how he handled this.  This morning brought a change.  I looked into my fiancé's eyes and looked into his soul.  There is something that his dog brings to his life that he needs.  I don't know why.  I don't have to know why.  Marriage to me shouldn't rob him of happiness.  Yes, he loves me.  But I cannot be everything in his life.  I want to share his life not rob him of it. 

There are couples facing tragedy.  Life can be difficult sometimes.  A scary doctor's report, financial challenges, an infidelity and other storms can drive a wedge between lovers.  One person can be fighting for the marriage while the other backs up.  Marriage ain't no joke.  Folks stay committed to the wrong thing and leave the right thing.  I don't want to be one of those people. 

I don't want to see my future husband as an opportunity to get my needs met without any consideration for what he needs.  Life is teaching me that a foundation of friendship is critical.  Friends have regard for one another.  Friends want the best for one another.  I don't know what the resolution is about my fiancé's dog.  I do know that I choose to be his friend.  I choose to be his supporter.  I choose to stop trying to protect myself and trust in the integrity of his heart.  He's my husband-to-be and I trust that he will keep me safe.  I choose Love. 

 

A Lesson in Strength Training

Our second session was GREAT!  With laptop in hand, we were ready to discuss the things we had listed as opportunities to build a great marriage.  Funny, we didn't even think about sex!  Maybe there's some truth to what Dr. Phil says.  "If you have a good sex life, sex counts about 5%.  But if you don't have a good sex life, it's 95% in importance."  Now, he didn't say it exactly like that, but that's the gist of it. 

I gotta tell you.  Our counselor is da bomb dot com!!!!  Her wisdom just confounds me.  It's not just the stuff that makes you get excited.  It's that kind of wisdom that soaks through your clothes and washes your spirit.  I swear I want to take notes.  This time was no different.  She takes what we bring her - no matter how unflattering -  and gives it back to us full of hope and promise.  So different.  Many times counselors speak to you as if you don't know anything and they have to make sure they point it out to you.  She doesn't.  She reveals the gold in our struggle and presents it to us, much to our amazement and joy.   

One such piece of wisdom was we aren't suppose to become one.  I can see your mouth dropping in surprise.  Mine did too.  That's the utopia of a good marriage, right?  She clarified.  "You will become of one mind or move towards one goal but you are still two different people."  It is what is uniquely different that evokes the best self out of the other.  She pointed to Rob getting down on one knee in a crowded restaurant and proposing.  "You know where that came from, don't you?," she asked.  "Suzette!  Her confidence is rubbing off on you."  We laughed but there was some truth to it. 

The more we challenge the other to move beyond limiting beliefs and behaviors, the more liberated we become.  It's like training for a marathon.  It hurts to get in shape.  Changing your diet, working out, and increasing the miles you run is grueling.  Still, you get up early and do whatever you have to do to get in marathon-running shape.  The big day comes.  Like others, you stand in starting position waiting for the signal to start.  As you run, you remember what you've learned.  You hydrate.  You pace yourself.  You breathe as you have been conditioned to.  When you feel like you can't go on, you remember what your trainer told you.  Others pass by you, but you don't get alarmed.  You remind yourself that it's a marathon and the goal is to finish the race.  You see the finish line up ahead.  You heart is about beat out of your chest.  Your head is pounding.  Perspiration is running down your face.  Your legs feel like rubber yet you keep going.  Once you cross that finish line, it's all worth it.  So it is with marriage. 

A great marriage is the goal of all that we are doing.  Some areas are quite a strain and don't feel good to explore, but we strengthen our core through resistance.  "Strength training tears your muscles down to rebuild them much stronger than before."  She suggested that if we see challenges as growth, then our life together will be growth and celebration.  Even the most difficult of circumstances is an opportunity to grow.  To grow more as a person.  To grow more as a couple.  That's worth celebrating!

At the conclusion of the session, I asked if our counselor had gotten my email.  I had asked her about officiating the wedding.  To our happiness, she consented!  Yay!  We don't want a traditional wedding ceremony.  We want something that represents us and our journey.  She is the perfect person!  This only reinforces what my heart knows.  If you plan for the marriage, the wedding will take care of itself. 

I Wanna See You Be Brave

One of my favorite pass times is watching television.  Not just anything and everything, but I do find certain talk shows intriguing.  Today, it was The View.  What caught my eye immediately was that Fantasia Barrino was cohosting.  That did it.  I was so tuned in.  You know how it goes.  You watch for a minute, run downstairs to get a drink, watch some more, run downstairs and get some food.  It was that kind of watching.  Then Jenny McCarthy introduced Sara Bareilles, who is nominated for two Grammy awards.  She sang her song that has become the anthem for so many.  I had to hunt for the words.  It wasn't hard.  As soon as I typed in the words brave and lyrics, her song was the first to come up. 

The song makes a case for all those who for whatever reason or another have not stood in their truth.  Those who have been intimidated and have shirked back from their moment. 

When I first heard the words "I want to see you be brave," I thought of somebody else.  I thought about areas in my fiancé that I wanted to see bravery in.  I chuckle when I think of that.  It's funny how we think we can see what somebody else needs to do so clearly from our own cowered position.  God knows, Life will check you if you let it!  And I had been checked.  The Wise Voice inside of me tapped me on the shoulder and said, "I want to see you be brave."

To anyone out there who unplugs and runs at the first sign of trouble, Life is speaking to all of us.  What made my fiancé different from me is he felt the fear but wasn't paralyzed by it.  Here's something I've been taught about men by men.  A man does not make a decision based on emotion.  He thinks it through and if it makes sense to him, he does it.  Me?  I feel first and then resort to reasoning to calm myself down so I can make a conscious decision.  There comes a time when you can no longer let the ghosts of your past stare you up and down, rattle in front of you and then shout, "Boo!"  Yes, I have been married twice.  Yes, I was gullible, ignorant and the Queen of magical thinking--both times.   When you've been wrong before, your memory that is often unforgiving will throw it up in your face.  Nobody else has to.  You do a number on your own self. 

This blog is not about giving myself a pass because of what I have experienced.  It is not to justify intimidation.  It's about being honest about the things that keep us up at night. It's about not hiding the fact that many of us struggle with one question:  Am I enough?  The way you answer is not by trying to prove your worthiness.  It is by standing up for yourself.  Let me clarify.  It's not that the bullied becomes the bully.  Rather, the bullied decides that whether he gets beat up or not, he's not going to run this time.  The worthiness is in being brave.  The worthiness is standing for you as you. 

Had I just balled up in a corner in the days, months and years since April 4, 2003--the day my divorce was final--I would only have my history of shame, blame and defeat.  We have to create a new history. 

Using a baseball game to demonstrate, it's when you don't ignore that you've struck out.  More times than not, you've swung hard but missed the ball.  Rather than damning yourself for it, you get somebody to teach you how to swing.  Imagine the look on the face of the opposing team when they see you, the Strike Out King, come up to bat.  They laugh.  They jeer.  They mock.  Just the same, you listen to your coach.  You hold that bat steady, keep your eye on the ball, and when your coach yells, "Swing!," you swing.  You might miss the first one, but you stand your ground.  You might miss the second one, but your coach's voice fades and your inner voice talks to you. "You can do this," it says. "Focus.  Steady your feet.  Hold that bat up."   The pitcher tosses the ball.  Your eyes track that ball like a homing device.  You hit the ball - whack!  It goes so far out of the park that everybody's mouth drops in surprise while you run.  Trust me, when that happens, it turns even the staunchest critic into a believer.  In case you're wondering who that critic is?  It's you.

It's not how you feel while doing it.  You might be quaking so badly that you hear your own knees knocking.  What matters is that you, the real you, stands up. 

When I listened closer to that Wise Voice, I became aware of something.  It wasn't talking to a woman shaking in her boots.  Life was excited.  "I want to see you be brave."  Life had seen me be brave before.  It wanted to marvel at me once again. 

You Gotta Decide

At our first counseling session, I confessed to fears that taunted me right after my boyfriend proposed.  One of which was the fear that he would leave me.  As this was met with assurances from my fiancé and our counselor who had counseled us earlier in our relationship, I explained where those fears came from.  We were talking about a wedding date and my fiancé talked about one of the things that had to be worked out before we got married.  To those listening, I'm sure they didn't hear what I heard in the way I heard it.  In fact, they didn't seem bothered at all.  I, on the other hand, was shaken by it.  My fear whispered in my ear, "See, he is back peddling.  He doesn't truly want to marry you." 

Both my fiancé and counselor sat patiently as I told them about my struggle with abandonment issues.  I was so spooked that I could not even think.  I recalled having a dad that was in the home: still, I found him to be absent emotionally.  If I didn't perform as he and my mom thought I should, I was wrong.  I got a whipping or worst, my dad would fuss at me.  "I felt like someone was pulling my skin off without anesthesia," I explained.   

I've read so many books that describe how people with abandonment issues seek to leave before they are left.  It's called fight or flight.  What was given to us as a instinctive way of surviving was not meant to be the response to everything, only to perceived danger.  For those of us who fear abandonment, just the idea or thought of being left is enough reason to defect.  Sadly, our efforts to protect ourselves can pervert something harmless.  "It's as if you have a warped sensitivity," our counselor clarified.  That's exactly what it was.  Men have that sound of authority to their voices.  It brings order.  It commands attention.  It is a gift.  Though my responses were real, I can no longer let the little girl decide.  It was time for the adult woman to stand up.  This she knows.  She can teach those she loves to leave her by creating such discomfort in the relationship that they have to leave to save themselves.  It's a self fulfilling prophesy.

"I am not afraid that he'll leave me physically," I clarified.  "I'm afraid that he'll abandonment me emotionally."  "I'm scared too," my Robert admitted.  "I'm afraid that you're going to leave me."  That surprised me.  I had never considered that he was scared too. 

"In order for you to build a solid marriage, you both have to decide right here and now that you won't leave one another," said our counselor.  That was my moment of truth.  No fantasy, no escape from a life of loneliness, no psyching myself up, none of that could make this decision.  Again, it was time for the grown up to decide.   I knew that unless I did that, it was a waste of time to continue.  As great a counselor as she was, counseling alone was not enough.  Without a sober commitment, there was no need to continue.  I had to resolve for once and for all what side of the street I was going to stand on. 

It didn't take tossing and turning all night long or a long hard honest conversation with myself about why I said "yes" at the marriage proposal.  As I sat and breathed in the moment, I felt my insides release.  "You don't need this," my Inner Wisdom said, informing my consciousness what my spirit knew.  I didn't need to police this side of the street anymore.  Robert was not like the other men I had known before. 

I felt my soul open.  I was sitting beside the man whom I wanted to spend the rest of my life with.  He was my friend.  He was my lover.  He was my partner.  I didn't have to shield myself.  I was patting the leg of the man I love.  Our shortcomings, our temperaments, our history, what might happen, none of it was enough to change that.  There's the truth and then there is the bigger Truth with a capital T.  The Truth was he wasn't the one feeling off balance.  It was me.  When you are off balance, you try to stabilize yourself.  As Ketut from the book, Eat Pray Love, said to Liz (or was it the movie?), "to lose your balance in life is to find your balance in love. (or something like that...lol)." 

He put a ring on it!

On a crisp night at our favorite restaurant, Beyu Caffe in Durham, North Carolina, at my birthday celebration, my boyfriend got down on one knee and proposed.  I didn't see it coming!   Had I believed the statistics, I wouldn't have been in the right space for this to happen.  After all, what is the likelihood that two people--50 something years of age--would find true love?  Yet, I'm here to tell you that is exactly what happened. 

Makes me chuckle to myself when I think about the reporters, talk show hosts and singles of all ages that say there are 10 women to 1 man and that it is next to impossible for a woman past 40 years of age to get married--especially a Black woman.  I don't doubt that the stats exist.  What I believe however is the numbers don't dictate my destiny. 

My mantra was this. "I don't need everybody, just the right somebody."   Besides, I can say irrefutably that in the Research Triangle Park area, folks are getting married in their 40's and after years of marriage, are still just as enamored with their spouses!  A cakewalk, it's not.  My friend Natalie and I talked about what the journey has been for us at our last girlfriend coffee date.  We worked hard to get here.  We didn't just stumble blindly on our men!  We opened our hearts and our minds.  We got real with ourselves about ourselves. More than having a man for the sake of having one, something inside of us required that we become better women. 

"Integrity," Natalie would say as she refused to stuff down her pain after her heart got broken.  I had never seen anyone so intentional or courageous.  I watched her feel without apology or excuse.  I learned a lot by watching her. 

This blog is not to feed romantic fantasies about finding love.  When the love is real, there is no need for fantasies.  It is about another level of becoming.  An emergence.  Between now and December 27, 2014, I'll chronicle the high's, the low's and the in-betweens.  Gone is the belief that I have to be perfect; for marriages aren't made of perfect people.  They are made of imperfect people who choose to be perfected in loving each other.   My beloved Robert and I agreed on this the very next day after his proposal. "Baby," I said to him.  "Let's put our energies into planning the marriage.  If we do that, planning the wedding will take care of itself."

So many times, I heard Dr. Phil ask couples if they had considered parenting, finances, how to handle conflicts, and other aspects of the marital relationship.   Twice divorced, this I know.  Great marriages don't just happen.  They are intentioned from the beginning.  This blog is going to be honest.  I'm not going to sugar coat my journey to the altar.  With my history, I would be remiss to not take this seriously.   The first times around, I got married with the erroneous belief that marriage in and of itself was the cure for all my soul's ills.  I was so ignorant.  I really was.  I lived with a smoldering loneliness and longing.  Marriage was my answer.  "I know how to leave a bad relationship," I confessed to our premarital counselor.  "But don't know how to be in a good one."

So follow me as I learn how to be a healthy partner.  Feel free to comment.  Feel free to ask questions.  I don't claim to be an expert.  I don't even want to be.  I just want to be a willing participant in this rites of passage to the altar.